I was washing my hands when that familiar sound hits my ears - a rattling, followed by the sound of cursing medics and rapid boot steps. Someone is having a seizure and it hasn't been stopped yet.
Oh, happy day.
I stick my head out from the nurse's station at Metropolitan Area Hospital and take a gander. Metropolitan Area EMS is bringing in someone who's flopping around on the stretcher like she's got 50,000 volts running through. It looks funny, and I snort, and shoot a snot rocket down onto my boots, which I had freshly polished. That's what I get for laughing at the infirm.(I'm sure there's a study that could be done somewhere regarding the tendency of my clean polished boots to attract a mess.)
I grab some gloves and give the crew a hand getting the patient over to the bed. The nurse doing her clinical time, I am pleased to see, is freaking the fuck out.
Heh heh. Newbs.
Apparently this lady's been seizing for a while and they've yet to get an IV on her - not at all surprising, considering this Land Whale weighs at least 350 lbs and she doesn't have shit for veins. She's twitching something fierce and although I can see BAPS Nurse fighting with the Pixsys thing, she's at least another 2 minutes from getting ready. Newbie Nurse and the crew members are fighting to keep the lady from jiggling out the bed (like so much jello off of a cliff, I think poetically) when I decide to intervene. We have just gotten the rails up and Spiderman walks in behind me. I jump on top of the lady, placing my shin across her legs and using my body to hold her down - it's like riding big fleshy washing machine. I grab the wrist Newbie nurse is getting ready to try and stick and hold it against the rail. If Newbie Nurse can avoid sticking the needle into herself or me, we should be OK.
Alas, it is not to be. She uncaps the needle and sticks it directly into flesh on the right side of her thumb. The ladies arm had bucked a little, despite my grip on it. He undulations are getting stronger.
I look up at Newbie Nurse, who has her pretty mouth hanging out in an "O" of shock and an IV needle hanging out of her hand.
"You OK?" I ask her.
She looks up at me, still wearing the big, dumb O face. The needle is still embedded in her thumb.
"Pull it out," I say. "You're the first person it touched, and it was sterile. So go get it cleaned up and come back, ok?" She looks back down at the needle and lets go of Land Whale's wrist. I think she makes a little "eek" as she pulls the needle out and drops it in the sharps. It was only a little 22, and it didn't go in very deep. I think this has been a good lesson for newbie nurse. Needles go in other people's bodies, not your own. Unless you're on the junk.
BAPS nurse has finally gotten some seizure juice pulled up in a MAD equipped syringe (I LOVE THOSE THINGS! GET THEM ON YOUR UNITS!) and squirts it into the lady's noggin, which is gently being held by Spiderman. "Take that, bitch!" I hear BAPS nurse whisper under her breath.
I love BAPS nurse.
I ride the trembling Land Whale, and grin. The juice should work in a hot second, and all will be well. I can get out of here and eat my dinner.
Thirty seconds later I am still grinning, but it is starting to fade, because with my razor sharp intellect, I have deduced two things.
1. This lady is still seizing, and how!
2. It appears she has become incontinent while I'm on top of her. WORST RIDE EVER! I want a refund.
So now I'm trying to keep my leg out of the veritable sea of piss on the bed and still maintain my hold on the lady. If I get off, she's going to start flopping around real bad. This is the worst seizure I've ever seen. For some reason, in between the noise, in between the nurses and paramedics clustered around each limb, I suddenly blank out to my happy place, and I start giggling.
For I have come up with a joke!
"Hey, Guys!" I shout. "Guys!"
Eight pairs of eyes look up at this sparky kid, riding a giant land whale lady, and wait in anticipation. Spiderman realizes what is coming and puts his head down.
I let loose.
"If I stay on for eight seconds, I get a belt buckle, right?"
There is silence in the room, except for the land whale lady bouncing in her bed, which if you've never heard it before sounds like you threw a bunch of ham in the dryer with your towels and turned it on high.
I'm beginning to think I've made a horrible mistake when MILF Nurse (yeah I'm a pig, I own up to it, she's got a great personality in addition to a hot body, so get off my nuts) snorts and BLOWS HER OWN SNOT ROCKET! Hahahah! Sweet! This sets off everyone in the ER room, we're cracking up, people are crying, etc.
This is the scene that awaits Dr. Jones - his real name, I might add. I figure there are enough Dr Joneses that I can get away with this once. He has the IO box in his hand, but he looks apprehensive. He asks if we have an IV yet, and we say no. This lady really is a hard stick - these are some of the most talented ER nurses I know, and they CANNOT get a stick, after what we later figured out was 17 attempts, all together. Dr Jones busts the EZIO (another tool we have that I love!) and slips the needle on. He is looking for a site, really taking his time with, when I bust out with my second gem of the night. In my best Short Round voice I shout "NO TIME FOR LOVE, DOCTOR JONES! JUST DRILL HER!"
This sets off everyone again. In addition to riding this jiggly land whale I am riding the crest of popularity, and it warms me up like a few shots of Goldschlager. Whee!
Anyway, Dr Jones does not get the IO. The lady is too fleshy for the needle to penetrate. Later, they get an IV in the lady's foot and get her sedated.
Spiderman high fives me as I come out of the bathroom. "You rode that bitch like she was your prom date."
"Haha!" I say. "By the way, how is your mom, Spidey?"
"Fuck you." He says.
So I found out I've made it through our company's clearance process. They will be cutting me loose any time now.
Uh, no, that pee's not mine. What kind of medic would wet his computer chair in fear at that statement?