So, I can't bare the thought of not posting SOMETHING, so here is a story, as told to me last night by my new partner.
"Well, we went out to this one guy who was walking down the street in nothing but his underwear, crawling around, pretending he was a big predatory cat. The cop had grabbed him but the guy was going apeshit in the car, so they called us. The guy is sweating, freaking out, tachy at 130, so we load him and head to the hospital with the cops behind us. This guy will not sit still and he keeps unbuckling seat belts. I go to put restraints on him and he jumps off the stretcher and hides in the back of the module, near the doors, peaking around the corner. I ask him what he's doing, and he goes 'Hiding - he's going to shoot me.' I'm trying to be helpful, and I ask him 'Who, the cop back there?' They guy goes 'BACK THERE?! BACK WHERE!' and does a weird James Bond ninja roll across the bench seat to the side door, which he grabs, opens and jumps out of."
"Well, we were in a residential area in a turn, and were only going about 10 miles an hour, but he loses his balance and trips over the curb, rolling across the sidewalk. I yell upfront to Kermit (ed: I call his partner "Kermit" because to me he looks like a giant Muppet) to pull over and as I'm stepping out of the side, the cop hits him like Warren Sapp tackling a third grader. The guy goes down and starts struggling with cop, but he's so sweaty that the cop can only get one hand cuffed. The cop gets tired of messing with him and drags him to the cop car, where he hooks the other end of the cuff and pulls out a JUG of mace and just lets the guy have it. Kermit and I were caught in the blast, and then the wind changed direction, so all of us are choking and crying and gagging. The perp is slowly shaking his head 'No' side-to-side, and he's squeaking like a baby T-Rex each time - 'aaaahhhh....aaaaahhhh'. The cop, cursing and crying, finally tosses the guy in the back, hops up front, and rolls down all the windows on the cruiser. He takes off lights and sirens and we follow him. "
"Well, apparently, Kermit had gotten the mace in his eyes pretty bad and he had two stacks of four-by-fours and some sterile water I had grabbed for him, and he had them pressed to his face. 'It feels like I have a goatee of fire!' he keeps saying. 'It burns! I've got a goatee of fire!' Well, needless to say, the ER was surprised to see us. We ended up getting the guy sedated and we're all washing our eyes out when another combative lady comes out of her room and starts walking towards Kermit."
Here's something you have to understand about Kermit, my dear readers - He is a 6'2", 260 pound TEDDY BEAR. He's 20 and was raised in a sheltered, pentecostal family. He doesn't smoke, drink, or curse. He's innocent - not something you can say for very many people in this profession.
"Kermit is standing there, with his big, dopey, Muppet baby face and rubs his eyes like a 3 year old, with both hands, and looks down at this little old black lady. She looks him up and down, and her face twists up with a sour look. Kermit finishes and grabs a paper towel, drying his hands off. 'Can I help you, ma'am?' He asks the lady, sweet as can be.
'Get Out of my way, you fat motherfucker! I gotta SHIT!'"
"And with that she brushes past Kermit, and goes in the bathroom, and proceeds to have one of the noisiest BMs I've ever heard. But Kermy doesn't hear any of this. After the lady tells him off, he just puts his head down and walks out of the ER like a kicked puppy."
"When we got back to the station later, found him in the kitchen with his head in the freezer. 'It feels like I had a goatee of fire,' he says."
On a related note, 2 DOAs in 2 shifts. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Sorry for the nonupdates, guys - not much fun going on yet. I'll get something up soon, though, I have a couple of old calls in my head I can post up if this block keeps up.