I wont give in to the temptation to blog about the oncoming Christmas blitz - it's pretty much been covered. As a lark, I've decided to blog out each entry in the 10,000 hits post...look for that coming soon!Haven't had much motivation to write lately - as AD pointed out it's still beautiful down here, and I actually went for a walk the other day. And not just to McDonald's! It was at the park!
This fellow, by the way, is MedicDog...handsome, aint he? He stays with MedicMom since I have no backyard...and he's pretty god damned smart. Loves squirrels. Loves barking. Loves bacon. Loves sleeping. Not too different from MedicMarch, actually...MedicMom is not pleased that I've been tying to teach him how to open the front door. I don't think it's fair that she was so behind him getting taught how to fetch the paper but is upset about this. I'm just trying to give him a good education.
What's going on in my life? Hmm. The latest applicant for MedicGirlfriend and I have parted ways. We were working opposite shifts and...well, she wasn't too sharp. Granted, I'm a pretty unusual feller, but after the fifteenth or sixteenth time I've had to explain a reference...well, it gets old. Cest la vie. To quote The Oblongs ..."Love is a joke with no punchline."
Uh. Except for AD's and Babs's. Cause AD pretty much knows where I live and too many places to hide bodies in the swamp. And Babs can almost certainly kick my ass. So, uh, only the best, guys. Please don't hurt me.
I was passed out dreaming yesterday, seducing Civil War era Southern Belles as a dashing blockade runner - "Oooh, March LeFitte, you are positively giving me the vap-uhs!", when MedicMom called me and woke me up to tell me she had booked me a day at the spa.
At first, I was confused ("MedicMom, didn't I just say MedicGIRLFRIEND? I don't want to prance around in a skimpy towel"). This gradually gave way to elation - I was imagining cute, giggly Asian girls with only the shakiest grasp on English. I'm an evil man, and I decided I DO want to prance around in a skimpy towel. But again, this gradually gave way to another feeling - suspicion.
"Wait a minute. You've got that tone in your voice. What's the catch?"
"Well, I actually just scheduled to get your back waxed."
Allow me to paint an image in your mind. Imagine, if you will, a large gorilla. Now give him a fancy Italian haircut and a stethoscope, and you've pretty much got a rough idea of what I look like. Naked. With a stethoscope. I am, needless to say, less than thrilled with the idea of getting my back waxed.
"Don't be a sissy," she tells me. "Plenty of guys do it all the time."
"MedicMom, they're YANKING THE HAIR OUT OF MY BACK WITH HOT WAX. No! I'm not doing it."
"Call J! She's the one who's going to do it."
J is a friend of ours who runs a spa here in town. I call her up.
"Hey there, MedicMarch. You ready to get your back waxed?"
"No! It's torture. You can't even do that shit to the prisoners at Guantanamo!"
"It's not that bad! You've had your eyebrows done, right?"
I have, in fact, had my eyebrows waxed in the past. Not to get them all shapely and feminine, but just to keep it from looking like someone had underlined my forehead with a big ole 44 magnum permanent marker. I didn't care for it much at all. I really don't understand how someone can have a bikini wax ::shudders::. The eyebrows nearly put me over the edge. It's not the pain so much as it's the sensation of having the hairs yanked out of my face.
"Yes, I've had it done. On the pain scale, what do you rate getting your eyebrows done?"
J thinks for a moment. "Hmmm. I suppose that's about a two."
For one brief glimmering moment, I am hopeful.
Of course, if you read this blog at all, you know that This is a mistake.
"Well, that's not so bad, I guess. What would you say getting your back done is?"
"Well, I've never had it done myself, obviously, but from my customers reactions, I'd say...hmmm....probably a six.
"A Six? A SIX?! Are you serious? That's three times the pain of getting my eyebrows done on an area that's two feet by two and a half feet! I'll never be able to sleep on my back again! You might accidentally rip out my spine!"
J eventually got me calmed down and told me when I was ready to give her a call.
Le sigh. I do not look forward to this.