Tuesday, November 6, 2007

- It's the time of the season.

I wont give in to the temptation to blog about the oncoming Christmas blitz - it's pretty much been covered. As a lark, I've decided to blog out each entry in the 10,000 hits post...look for that coming soon!Haven't had much motivation to write lately - as AD pointed out it's still beautiful down here, and I actually went for a walk the other day. And not just to McDonald's! It was at the park!

This fellow, by the way, is MedicDog...handsome, aint he? He stays with MedicMom since I have no backyard...and he's pretty god damned smart. Loves squirrels. Loves barking. Loves bacon. Loves sleeping. Not too different from MedicMarch, actually...MedicMom is not pleased that I've been tying to teach him how to open the front door. I don't think it's fair that she was so behind him getting taught how to fetch the paper but is upset about this. I'm just trying to give him a good education.

What's going on in my life? Hmm. The latest applicant for MedicGirlfriend and I have parted ways. We were working opposite shifts and...well, she wasn't too sharp. Granted, I'm a pretty unusual feller, but after the fifteenth or sixteenth time I've had to explain a reference...well, it gets old. Cest la vie. To quote The Oblongs ..."Love is a joke with no punchline."

Uh. Except for AD's and Babs's. Cause AD pretty much knows where I live and too many places to hide bodies in the swamp. And Babs can almost certainly kick my ass. So, uh, only the best, guys. Please don't hurt me.

I was passed out dreaming yesterday, seducing Civil War era Southern Belles as a dashing blockade runner - "Oooh, March LeFitte, you are positively giving me the vap-uhs!", when MedicMom called me and woke me up to tell me she had booked me a day at the spa.

At first, I was confused ("MedicMom, didn't I just say MedicGIRLFRIEND? I don't want to prance around in a skimpy towel"). This gradually gave way to elation - I was imagining cute, giggly Asian girls with only the shakiest grasp on English. I'm an evil man, and I decided I DO want to prance around in a skimpy towel. But again, this gradually gave way to another feeling - suspicion.

"Wait a minute. You've got that tone in your voice. What's the catch?"

"Well, I actually just scheduled to get your back waxed."

Allow me to paint an image in your mind. Imagine, if you will, a large gorilla. Now give him a fancy Italian haircut and a stethoscope, and you've pretty much got a rough idea of what I look like. Naked. With a stethoscope. I am, needless to say, less than thrilled with the idea of getting my back waxed.

"Don't be a sissy," she tells me. "Plenty of guys do it all the time."

"MedicMom, they're YANKING THE HAIR OUT OF MY BACK WITH HOT WAX. No! I'm not doing it."

"Call J! She's the one who's going to do it."

J is a friend of ours who runs a spa here in town. I call her up.

"Hey there, MedicMarch. You ready to get your back waxed?"

"No! It's torture. You can't even do that shit to the prisoners at Guantanamo!"

"It's not that bad! You've had your eyebrows done, right?"

I have, in fact, had my eyebrows waxed in the past. Not to get them all shapely and feminine, but just to keep it from looking like someone had underlined my forehead with a big ole 44 magnum permanent marker. I didn't care for it much at all. I really don't understand how someone can have a bikini wax ::shudders::. The eyebrows nearly put me over the edge. It's not the pain so much as it's the sensation of having the hairs yanked out of my face.

"Yes, I've had it done. On the pain scale, what do you rate getting your eyebrows done?"

J thinks for a moment. "Hmmm. I suppose that's about a two."

For one brief glimmering moment, I am hopeful.

Of course, if you read this blog at all, you know that This is a mistake.

"Well, that's not so bad, I guess. What would you say getting your back done is?"

"Well, I've never had it done myself, obviously, but from my customers reactions, I'd say...hmmm....probably a six.

"A Six? A SIX?! Are you serious? That's three times the pain of getting my eyebrows done on an area that's two feet by two and a half feet! I'll never be able to sleep on my back again! You might accidentally rip out my spine!"

J eventually got me calmed down and told me when I was ready to give her a call.

Le sigh. I do not look forward to this.



Anonymous said...

My ex-flatmate used to do it [to] himself all the time. Nasty fucker didn't clean up afterwards, either... I did NOT enjoy finding body hair all over the sink. So glad he's the ex-flatmate now.

[btw, hi - first-time commenter, but I've been worshipping your blog for a while now.]

Medicmarch. said...

Outstanding! I was wondering who those hits were from across the pond!


Ambulance Driver said...

Well, I for one am bucking the metrosexual trend.

I refused to get my back waxed.

I got it braided instead...

In long beautiful rows, the middle of which melds perfectly into my perfectly braided asscrack hair.

It's quite sexy.

equine_05 said...

hahahahaha thanks for the laugh. good post.

Strings said...

I think we need before and after pics to prove you went through with it. Otherwise, we have no proof, and you're just trolling for sympathy... >:)

And I wouldn't say that TOO loud around Babs, AD: she might get ideas! ;)

Holly said...

Weighing in from the feminine side...quit acting like a little girl, MM. BUTCH UP!
I get my eyebrows and my lip done all the time. Do imagine how sensitive your LIP is. Now imagine someone ripping the hair out of your lip ALL at ONCE.
And don't give me any, "Well, you gals are USED to it," crap. We have the same pain receptors y'all do.
AS for back hair...major turn off! As sexy as Chest hair is, back hair is the direct opposite.
Quit being a Wuss and go get it done, then keep it done, it won't hurt as much if you keep it under control, you big baby!

Anonymous said...

When my brother was on his way back from his tour in Iraq, they stopped somewhere overseas, and he got his derf waxed. But he said there they don't rip off the hair with strips, they rub it off into hairy wax balls. LOL! He said he never realized what that hair does down there.
But I hafta say, I've gotten my eyebrows waxed since I was about 12, and started getting a brazilian and leg wax approx 2 years ago.

Now you can see what us ladies do to get beautified for you men. And what you are doing is only a small percentage of we go through.

SUCK IT UP! If your own mother thinks you need it, that's probably means you REALLY need it.

BTW... I'll take your doggy off your hands:) He's ADORABLE! My dogs Sofie (German Shepard) and Lucy (Pitbull/Black Lab) would get along perfectly with him!

Loving Annie said...

Aww, MedicMarch it's nothing if she's any good at it.

The trick is to powder you down propwrly first, only do small strips at a time, use the right kind of wax, and then follow up with something so there is no redness or irritation afterwards.
Think of how pleased your next girlfriend cadidate will be - the one who understands references :)

And MedicDog is adorable.

Babs RN said...

*ahem!* This is to Strings... this is one woman who thinks a man is SUPPOSED to be hairy. It's masculine. It's virile. And it gives a girl something to twirl her fingernails through (or braid a la slumber party, as the case may be *wink*). Little back hair never hurt a thing.