Sunday, February 24, 2008

- We've Got to Stop Eating Like This

Scene: 10:30 PM. Two EMTs sitting in the cab of a unit, sweaty and tired. They've been on for 17 hours and are outside of a large hospital.

Eating Partner: "What are you hungry for?"

MM: "What. Are you serious? No. We just had a cheeseburger."

EP: "I know that...but...Popeye's Chicken has that 99 cent chicken sandwich...we could make it, it's in the coverage area."

MM: "No! I'm not doing that! You and I both know that those employees keep getting 'spider bites'. How many times have we've been over there for 'spider bites' for some chickenslinger trying to strike it rich with a law suit? HOW MANY TIMES, DAMN YOU? HOW MANY?!"

EP: "Just one chicken sandwich, then we can go to sleep."

MM: ::sigh:: "Fine."

---
(later, in the drive thru)

Voice Box: "Fvvvshhg?"

MM:"....Uh, yes I'd like a Chicken sandwich, no may-"

Voice Box: "NKFJENKF?!"

MM:"What?"

Voice Box:"NFJKNEJKE!"

MM:"Uh....CHICKEN SANDWICH. NO MAYO. ROOT BEER!"

Voice Box: "CJNFIRSJVKSH!BNTY! BTNY! BTNY! JJJJnnngh."

MM: "Screw this. Let's go inside."

---
Register Lady: "Welcome ta Popeye, I can take yo order?"

MM:"I'd like to congratulate your company on it's progressive attitude, letting a deaf-mute work the drive thru. That's mighty ambitious!"

RL: "Huh?"

MM: "Nothing, I'd like a chicken sandwich, no mayo, a Bar-

RL: "You gon et that sandwich dry?"

MM:"It's not for me, I'm getting it for my par-...why am I telling you this? Yes, dry. No mayo, and a roo-"

RL: "-You wanna a drink?"

MM: "Yes. Yes, I wanna a drink. A large Root Beer."

(The Register Lady, easily close to 400 lbs, waddles across the greasy Popeye's Fried Chicken kitchen floor, my cup suffocating in her dainty, sweaty hoof. I'm thinking if she falls in here, we're going to have to call in and get lift assistance, tell everyone what happened, and probably never be allowed to come back to this chicken restaurant again. "Skate across the tile, my chicken angel! Skate like a Kwan!" Somehow, she manages to get there and back without falling.)

RL: "Der go yo rootbeer!" My sweet brown nectar slops over the side of the cup and onto the counter.

MM: "Thanks. No triple axle? You could've nailed it."

RL: "Huh?"

MM: "Nothing."

I notice suddenly Register Lady has been sizing me up...whether to ask me out or make me a meal. I am not sure. "So you an bambulance driver?"

MM: "What, are my antlers showing again? This damn cap..."

RL: "Huh?"

MM:"Nothing. Yes ma'am, I'm a Bambulance driver. I drive the Bambulance. I enjoy saltlicks, and getting shot by men wearing neon orange. I love it."

RL: "Huh?"

MM: "Yes Ma'am, I'm an EMT."

RL: "Oh, ok. Dere go yo sand-itch." Her hand leaves a sweatprint on the bag she hands me.

MM: "Thank you. Look, before I go, could you say 'Jeenga Nert Do, Solo! Hah hah hah hah!'"?

RL: "Huh?"

MM: "Thank you."

---
EP: "What the hell? This has mayo on it."

MM: "THEN PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT."

EP: "Well...it's not that bad....and we do still have half of that pizza we got at lunch."

MM: "Argh. I'm going to bed. I'm getting an antlerache."

EP: "Huh?"

MM: "Nothing."

See ya'll next weekend.

-MM

11 comments:

The Anonymous Therapist said...

In my life, I have been to exactly two "Hardee's" restaurants, one in Virginia and one in North Carolina. It was exactly like this, from the deaf-mute drive through guy to the waddling Jabba-esque cashiers to the horrific service. The truly disturbing part is that at both Hardees, there was a huge fat guy running around in the back screaming Antoine! What I gotta do to get me some mo' fries?!

I don't think I'll ever go back to Hardees. It's just too scary.

EE said...

Oh gosh.

I just laughed for a good 5 minutes.

Medic 61 said...

Oh my lord.
I just experienced something quite similar to this, however I don't have the comedic brilliance to write about it like you. This post made my day!

rookie bebe said...

Amen, brother!!

Our class went to the Wendy's one day during school and I swear the cashier lady you described and the deaf mute were working the front!

We'd give our order to one and they couldn't hear anything, and the other lady just plum didn't hear us like what you described. #1, fried,s and - "do you want fries?" Yes. and a large diet coke -" "What to drink?" "d.i.e.t c.o.k.e" "what size?" L.A.R.G.E


gREAT writing!!

JeRRTep said...

well, here in the midwest, they take your order just fine, you can understand everything they say at the drive through, they can read everything you ordered back to you, but for whatever reason, they can't put it all together in a bag right...
I went to taco bell today and ordered a burrito supreme without onions and a pepsi...pretty simple right??? wrong... I got the onions in the burrito...good thing I am not allergic....cause I'd be escrewed!!!!

I'm glad you're back MM, I missed ya!

kT

Anne said...

I just read your blog for the first time and I'm definitely going to be coming back.

I think Popeyes may be like this everywhere. If it weren't for their delicious, delicious red beans and rice (which are so delicious because they contain roughly a bajillion grams of saturated fat per serving--seriously, leave them at room temperature and watch them magically solidify! Impress the kids!) I'd swear 'em off for good.

Trusty Trocar said...

Reminds me of the Saturday morning runs to Whataburger for breakfast. It was made worse by the fact that I was ordering for the entire embalming crew.

6x the orders = 6x the screwups

Sara said...

Awesome.... Glad to see you posting again.

Cave Troll said...

Just read your stuff for the first time. Absolutely brilliant!
Have had a few encounters like that myself in this country o mine

PS am throwing a link over to your blog if thats ok

Davie said...

I swear to christ, I really do love you, Chance.

Stretcher Jockey said...

Hey MM...

Funny stuff!

Here by way of Ambulance Driver

Feel free to drop by sometime.

SJ