Tuesday, October 28, 2008

- Crossing The Line

"March, you are way too inappropriate."

"Huh?"

"You don't have a filter. You always cross the line. You're funny but you always go overboard!"

"What? No I don't. You're crazy."

"YOU'RE CRAZY! Remember what you told me the other day? The belt sander comment?"

"C'mon. That was funny."

(She brought it on herself. My ex-partner and I were discussing winter, and leg-shaving and she had joked she was going to skip her thighs. So off goes my mouth, before I can do anything about it - "Holy shit. That's craziness. Your boy-friend is going to look like someone took a beltsander to his face!")

"Yeah, it would've been. But Bossman (our supevisor-ed.) was standing right there with the other crew!"

"They laughed. It was funny!"

'THEY WERE LAUGHING BECAUSE THEY WERE IMAGINING MY SANDPAPER COOTER EXFOLIATING MY BOYFRIEND'S FACE INTO GOOP, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!"

I'm silent for a moment.

"Well, that's what you get for living in sin."

"Fuck you, March."
* * *

I can't help it. Maybe I've got Ausperger syndrome or some weird form of social anxiety. When people ask me about it I blame it on having a compulsion, but the truth is pretty much every time I've carefully weighed out saying it versus not saying it. It's just that saying it wins every time.

These are all from the past three days. Can you identify where I "Cross the Line "?:

Situation 1: A young, openly gay paramedic at my station is drinking a white substance

MM: What the fuck is that?
YGP: Protein Shake.
MM: Wow.
YGP: Yup.
MM: I thought you would've gotten enough of that from, you know, your lifestyle choice.

Situation 2: In my mom's convertible, on my way out to a picnic with an attractive school teacher I know.

YAT: Just want to make sure we get back later tonight. I've got laundry to do.
MM: Yup, we will. Couldn't have you going to work without clean panties.
YAT: Hahaha, I know, right? I don't want to go commando at school!
MM: Hahaha...
YAT: (smiling, enjoying the ride)
MM: I can see it know. "::sniff sniff:: Ms Smith, what smells like mayonaise and Catfood?"
YAT: ::silence::

Situation 3: Sometimes, even when I do manage to avoid saying something freaky, it comes out anyway. A Friend had just asked me who my favorite Disney Princess is.

MM: Well, Jasmine I guess. Course, she'd have to take a bath. No rubbing of oils or shit.
FRND: Cool.
MM:...course, I didn't want to freak you out.
FRND: Don't want to hear it, March.
MM: The fox chick from Disney's Robin Hood. She was HOT!
FRND: AUUGGGHHHH LLALALALALALA NO NO NO

-MM

8 comments:

keepbreathing said...

You, sir, are awesome. The line has not merely been crossed but perforated.

I have a well-developed verbal filter, but all I can say about my other failings is that I'm a sucker for a pretty face. It'll be my undoing...or the undoing of...well, I'll just let you insert your own trousers joke here.

Loving Annie said...

One was a crack-up, two wasn't funny at all, and three I didn't understand...

I think ALL the Disney heroine women are hot.

And that jerk in Beauty & The Beast ? Hubba--hubba. Now THERE'S a hot lookinbg guy !

No woman, no matter how clean and thoroughly bathed, ever wants to think her scent is offensive to a guy.
It hurts our feelings, much as if we said your junk smelled like an old catcher's mitt...

nickopotamus said...

Disney's Maid Marian? Oh, if only I were a cartoon fox... :)

Beaker said...

You are very wrong in the head... I love it =)

Detail Medic said...

Marry me.

chuckr44 said...

You are so funny! It would be hilarious to work with you. I often say funny things, sometimes offensive, but I'm just not trying to be offensive. I'm just trying to be off-the-wall funny.

Christmas at my folks is fun. Sometimes they laugh at my jokes, sometimes I just get wide-eyed stares.

My newest saying: "That's as frustrating as Helen Keller getting free movie tickets."

Jeff Deutsch said...

Hello MedicMarch,

I think you're referring to Asperger Syndrome (or AS; it's considered a less severe form of autism). I have it myself.

If you're able to carefully weigh saying something versus not saying it, you're probably an NT (a neurotypical), not an Aspie.

Anyway, I'm glad you're around at least some people who appreciate your brand of humor.

Annie, good point. I'm sure MedicMarch didn't mean to offend his date or you.

Cheers,

Jeff Deutsch

PS: My word verification was "prefan". Yeah, I guess that's what you could call me - a prefan of yours.

Dark-Star said...

Maid Marien was smoking hot...don't even get me STARTED on Ariel...and there's dozens of others whose names I can't remember right off.

It really doesn't help that I'm a confirmed furry and find them more attractive than human females.