"March, you are way too inappropriate."
"You don't have a filter. You always cross the line. You're funny but you always go overboard!"
"What? No I don't. You're crazy."
"YOU'RE CRAZY! Remember what you told me the other day? The belt sander comment?"
"C'mon. That was funny."
(She brought it on herself. My ex-partner and I were discussing winter, and leg-shaving and she had joked she was going to skip her thighs. So off goes my mouth, before I can do anything about it - "Holy shit. That's craziness. Your boy-friend is going to look like someone took a beltsander to his face!")
"Yeah, it would've been. But Bossman (our supevisor-ed.) was standing right there with the other crew!"
"They laughed. It was funny!"
'THEY WERE LAUGHING BECAUSE THEY WERE IMAGINING MY SANDPAPER COOTER EXFOLIATING MY BOYFRIEND'S FACE INTO GOOP, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!"
I'm silent for a moment.
"Well, that's what you get for living in sin."
"Fuck you, March."
* * *
I can't help it. Maybe I've got Ausperger syndrome or some weird form of social anxiety. When people ask me about it I blame it on having a compulsion, but the truth is pretty much every time I've carefully weighed out saying it versus not saying it. It's just that saying it wins every time.
These are all from the past three days. Can you identify where I "Cross the Line "?:
Situation 1: A young, openly gay paramedic at my station is drinking a white substance
MM: What the fuck is that?
YGP: Protein Shake.
MM: I thought you would've gotten enough of that from, you know, your lifestyle choice.
Situation 2: In my mom's convertible, on my way out to a picnic with an attractive school teacher I know.
YAT: Just want to make sure we get back later tonight. I've got laundry to do.
MM: Yup, we will. Couldn't have you going to work without clean panties.
YAT: Hahaha, I know, right? I don't want to go commando at school!
YAT: (smiling, enjoying the ride)
MM: I can see it know. "::sniff sniff:: Ms Smith, what smells like mayonaise and Catfood?"
Situation 3: Sometimes, even when I do manage to avoid saying something freaky, it comes out anyway. A Friend had just asked me who my favorite Disney Princess is.
MM: Well, Jasmine I guess. Course, she'd have to take a bath. No rubbing of oils or shit.
MM:...course, I didn't want to freak you out.
FRND: Don't want to hear it, March.
MM: The fox chick from Disney's Robin Hood. She was HOT!
FRND: AUUGGGHHHH LLALALALALALA NO NO NO