Friday, March 6, 2009

- Close Calls

Getting up at my girlfriend's house this morning, I scratched myself and walked into the bathroom, about to do my morning duty when all of a sudd-

HOLY SHIT THAT THING ON THE COUNTER LOOKS LIKE A PREGNANCY TEST

OH MY GOD OH GOD GOD OH MYGOD CRAP CRAP CRAP

MY MOMS ARE GOING TO KILL ME
OH SHIT MY GIRLFRIEND'S MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME
OH MY GOD MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOING TO KILL ME
OH GOD HOW IS MY GIRLFRIEND

I'm not smart enough to be a dad! I'm No Ambulance Driver! I can't even beat pre-k students at Wii bowling and now I have to raise a whole baby?!

Holy crap what if it's all hairy like me! Oh god.

OK, MM. Just relax. Just take a deep breath and press the button and check it...just press the button.

You've picked up people's body parts from the side of the road, this is nothing, simple, just a little button to press.

::a minute passes::

You Can do this, March. C'mon.

::another minute passes::

C'mon. Knowing is better than not knowing.

::another minute passes::

At this point, my girlfriend walks in, and I love her, but she looks like hell, all sweaty and puffy. Oh, god, I think. This is real. Well, she's a solid chick. If she's the mother of my child, OK. Let's do it. I just hope the kid takes after her side.

"Baby, I-"

She doesn't stop, heading directly for the pregnancy test. Uh-oh.


She picks it up and waves it at me. "DID YOU SEE THIS? IT'S HORRIBLE"

"Well, baby, I don't think so, I th-"

"It's bad, MM! I already feel like throwing up!"

"Well, that's part of it, I think." I don't know, the only thing I have to go off of is Father Of The Bride movies!

With that, she slides the pregnancy test into her mouth. Hmm, that's new. I didn't know you excreted hormones into your saliva, but fuck, technology is amazing.

It beeps after about twenty seconds - holy crap, that was fast. Technology IS amazing.

"Look!" She extends the pregnancy test out to me, so I can read the results. And there, in the little window that says "Pregnant or Not Pregnant" it says "SZOI"

"'SZOI'? What the fuck is 'SZOI'?"

CRAP. Is this bullshit in Russian or something? GODDAMIT I NEED TO KNOW IF I AM A FATHER, NOT WHAT YOU'RE NAMING YOUR FUCKING SPACE ROCKETS.

"Oh, wait, sorry babe, it's upside down." And with that she flips the test to show that it reads:

102.5

What the fuck?

Wait.

Oh.

It's a thermometer. Oh. Wow. Wow.

Girlfriend looks at me. "Baby, you're kind've pale yourself. Are you getting sick too?"

"Nope! I'm Good!"

-MM

13 comments:

Loving Annie said...

Heh-heh-heh. That was excellent !

Walt Trachim said...

Simply Awesome.....

medicblog999 said...

Funny funny!!
I wonder though, after it all settled down, did you have a quick and short lived moment of dissapointment??

Medic61 said...

Haaaaaah, hold on a second while I catch my breath...


...the part about the Russians nearly did me in.

Congrats on not being a dad yet, though!

DocV said...

Ha! Karma reached out and flicked your ear!

Anonymous said...

haha...sorry too funny to not make fun of the situation

Bernice said...

I seriously can't breathe over here...

Mrs. "Smith" said...

Hahahahahahaha!!! That is priceless.

nickopotamus said...

Just been told off for laughing too hard... Great story! :D

Kate said...

lol totally made my night. that is too funny!

Detail Medic said...

You. Are an idiot. Turn in your medic card. I love you man.

Daisy said...

LMAO. Funny stuff!

shadysidebury said...

Crying with laughter. Brilliant, brilliant post.