Monday, March 16, 2009

- Izzy Tales

I was off the truck over 10 days recently on a minivaction for a friend's wedding. This meant my partner, Izzy, was working with a swing medic, who for clarity shall hence forth be referred to as "Swingy" . This is one of the adventures she told me about.

Also, it's pretty gross. Don't read if you have a weak stomach.

* * *

"Oh, god, March, I wanted to DIE this weekend."

"What happened?"

"Well, Swingy and I had gotten our butts kicked all night. We were just about to head home and get off shift when they gave us a Critical Care call at Incompetence Memorial Hospital coming back to Metropolitan ER. We get there to find this massive lady intubated with all kinds of medicine flowing into her, still on a spineboard. She had a history as long as my arm. Apparently she had coded and they brought her to IMH where they got her back. We load her up and drive over to Metro to drop her off."

"When we get to Metro, the hallway is full of every doctor, nurse , and tech that can be corralled. We transfer her over, and I'm standing down at the end of the board. I don't know why what happened next happened, but I'm so thankful it happened."

"I'm down at the end of the board and step to the side a little bit. I don't know why I stepped to the the side, I just did. There was no reason for me to. "

"All of a sudden, the most rotten, disgusting, and vile stench that has ever passed these nostrils invades my sinuses and will NOT GET OUT. I look at where I was just standing and there is a brown waterfall spewing from between her legs, flowing down the board, splattering onto the floor. "

"Everyone starts gagging. The room is silent except for retches and a doctor at the head of the bed who says 'Um, I believe that is feces!' (at this point I want to yell 'no shit, Sherlock'! but I'm gagging too hard)."

She looks nauseous at this point. "One of the nurses was hunched over a trash can vomiting and crying, crying and vomiting."

"It smelled like every single piece of bacteria and rot that had been lodged in this woman's body in the past 60 years all of a sudden exited her bowels...explosively. It was the worse thing ever."

* * *
Apparently here People start leaving the room in droves, but the Critical room at Metropolitan is really crowded, so a bottle neck forms at the exit. People could not leave fast enough to escape the poo.

* * *

"Swingy comes out of the ER later and sits down. He's all sweaty and kind of pale. 'Izzy,' he goes, 'that is the worst thing I have ever smelled. Worse than any decubitis, any GI bleed, anything. Ever."

Izzy looks a little green around the gills.

"Horrible. It was a brown waterfall of death." She swallows heavily.

"Glad I was in Lake City!"

"Asshole."


-MM

Friday, March 6, 2009

- Close Calls

Getting up at my girlfriend's house this morning, I scratched myself and walked into the bathroom, about to do my morning duty when all of a sudd-

HOLY SHIT THAT THING ON THE COUNTER LOOKS LIKE A PREGNANCY TEST

OH MY GOD OH GOD GOD OH MYGOD CRAP CRAP CRAP

MY MOMS ARE GOING TO KILL ME
OH SHIT MY GIRLFRIEND'S MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME
OH MY GOD MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOING TO KILL ME
OH GOD HOW IS MY GIRLFRIEND

I'm not smart enough to be a dad! I'm No Ambulance Driver! I can't even beat pre-k students at Wii bowling and now I have to raise a whole baby?!

Holy crap what if it's all hairy like me! Oh god.

OK, MM. Just relax. Just take a deep breath and press the button and check it...just press the button.

You've picked up people's body parts from the side of the road, this is nothing, simple, just a little button to press.

::a minute passes::

You Can do this, March. C'mon.

::another minute passes::

C'mon. Knowing is better than not knowing.

::another minute passes::

At this point, my girlfriend walks in, and I love her, but she looks like hell, all sweaty and puffy. Oh, god, I think. This is real. Well, she's a solid chick. If she's the mother of my child, OK. Let's do it. I just hope the kid takes after her side.

"Baby, I-"

She doesn't stop, heading directly for the pregnancy test. Uh-oh.


She picks it up and waves it at me. "DID YOU SEE THIS? IT'S HORRIBLE"

"Well, baby, I don't think so, I th-"

"It's bad, MM! I already feel like throwing up!"

"Well, that's part of it, I think." I don't know, the only thing I have to go off of is Father Of The Bride movies!

With that, she slides the pregnancy test into her mouth. Hmm, that's new. I didn't know you excreted hormones into your saliva, but fuck, technology is amazing.

It beeps after about twenty seconds - holy crap, that was fast. Technology IS amazing.

"Look!" She extends the pregnancy test out to me, so I can read the results. And there, in the little window that says "Pregnant or Not Pregnant" it says "SZOI"

"'SZOI'? What the fuck is 'SZOI'?"

CRAP. Is this bullshit in Russian or something? GODDAMIT I NEED TO KNOW IF I AM A FATHER, NOT WHAT YOU'RE NAMING YOUR FUCKING SPACE ROCKETS.

"Oh, wait, sorry babe, it's upside down." And with that she flips the test to show that it reads:

102.5

What the fuck?

Wait.

Oh.

It's a thermometer. Oh. Wow. Wow.

Girlfriend looks at me. "Baby, you're kind've pale yourself. Are you getting sick too?"

"Nope! I'm Good!"

-MM