Sunday, July 15, 2012

Original recipie, or....

"Frankly, I don't understand. Your performance is slipping. Look at all these refusals on transports. You're 2 percent below the minimum."

I'm in the boss's office, called to the carpet. He's got a new clock on the wall. I look up at; it's got the company logo across it. I've been in here so much over the past 6 months I think the chair is conforming to my ass.

I'm in trouble because I told a patient "holler."

 This, of course, has only been on item in a long line of infractions:

-Slightly uncleanshaven, one shift.
-Ran a YELLOW light. Then was accused of lying about it.
-4 records completed late.
-Argued with the local trauma line; gave medication without asking (the ER physician complimented me for the same call, and was most assuredly NOT concerned about my lack of asking permission.)

I tune back into my boss. "....repeated infractions of policy. Why are you such a disciplinary problem?"

"I don't think I'm a problem," I say.

He stares at me. About 30 seconds go by.

I've lost my taste for everything here. The apathy I feel is all encompassing and every day at work is a struggle. I've never felt like this about anything. I'm not even sweating. If I get fired at this point, I could care less. I can no longer stand the weaselly politics and back stabbing and I've lost my taste for the upper management's tactics.

I guess this is burnout.

"I'm putting you on probation. 90 days. If you have one more infraction, you will be terminated." He closes my folder. "I think you need to go back to Backwater."  There's no threat in that sentance, but his voice is gravid with suggestion and...anger. Is he really this mad?

I think of Backwater, another service area in our company. I'm could work.

I spend the next three months off the boss never misses an opportunity to praise me in front of his boss - I get compliment letters every other month or so, and at staff meetings he pulls me to his side with a big shitting grin and compliments me, hitching himself to the praise wagon, taking credit where he is due none. But when other employees are praised on our company's website, my name is absent from the rosters; the compliments are filed into my personnel file and he does not speak to me about them personally.

On day 91, he shakes my hand and tells me what an improvement I've made and that he's glad I'm finally listening to his leadership. I give him a big shiteating grin and shake his hand. The next day I'm weighing my options about other employment or going back to school. Instead, I put in my request to go back to Backwater. Maybe there's still a little life in me after all.